when metamours don't get along

I think that's a pretty common thing that happens. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that. Even if you don't trust them to make good decisions, you still have to trust them to make the decisions anyway. As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. What happens when you don't get along with your metamours? I also like signed up for a subscription. I don't mean that to be anything against you. That's life". Sometimes you love them, sometimes they're your least favorite person in the world but if you are polyamorous, you need to at least learn to live with metamours. I was like, "Dang it. If you want a more in-depth analysis of each of these questions and I do appreciate what Page writes about this list of questions is essentially, if you're able to answer these questions, it doesn't mean that your feelings are invalid immediately. Be so mindful. Exactly. Absolutely, also, at the end of the day, realize that these two people are adults and therefore, it is ultimately up to them to decide if they want to mend things or not and they may not want to. I can't be a dick to this person because they are being really understanding of me in this moment and that means something." If you know that a metamuor is having an issue with you and you don't know how to handle it. Some metamours dont get along. It's easy to get lost in just, "All I'm doing is damage control. Is it about them? Watch legend Lewis Hamilton get soaked as he snowboards into freezing Antarctic water.. then hike up hill to try AGAIN Tony Robertson Published : 12:04, 6 Apr 2023 It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. Lester movies have been made about Lester things, so please go for it at Hallmark, but--. Emily:This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. ", Emily:That's what I tried to do every time I met my job and people talking and they're like, "Wait, are you that? The same time if they're trash-talking you to your shared partner, don't do the same to them. Either your own ones that you do and that you have or your own ones that you've internalized about the way that all men are or all women are or something like that. I found it today and loved it so much. Then the thing I think that's really interesting about it, and I find this more and more with a lot of things within polyamory and non-monogamy is that we end up with these sorts of relationships in these situations that seem very unique. Crap, what's the URL? You can email us at info@multiamory.com. We should have a say in the people we live with. You could express that that is hurtful to you or even better, maybe express like, "Hey, I'd appreciate if you didn't try to be the go-between and send those messages to me. Emily:Sure or being in the middle of it. There may be times when you dont get along with someone and have the flexibility to choose not to spend time with them. Was it the "new" partner's responsibility to reach out to the primary? Really be mindful of that. I think what Emily brought up, though, that I think is important that it's more about, I need you to figure this out in a way that makes you not treat me badly because of it and not cause trouble in our relationship because of it, whereas I would definitely agree, don't shame or say, you have to get along with this person, or you have to like this person or to try to coerce them into some relationship that they don't want. Again, we will forward you to our episode on the basics of boundaries to remember that boundaries are going to be placed on yourself, it's not going to be about you policing how much your partner does or doesn't get to hang out with this particular person, but just how your own behavior is concerned. Well, look it up. Let it be them against themselves, essentially." This can also be helpful if you're requesting something from your metamour. While I think maybe there's sometimes value in that question, it is important to remember and I appreciate the two of you for reminding me of this, of being like, "It is their issue not yours." That's something that you and that person need to work out, that's not my thing. That is really important and an interesting thing to bring up because I think that one could easily be like, "Fuck both of you. I think a lot of people get a little parental with their partners sometimes. That's no problem." when metamours don't get along That's an interesting one, for sure, and I would still say your partner is allowed to make their own decisions and they're allowed to choose what mountain to die on if they want to be with this person or not, to use my mother's phrase. Emily:For sure, it's shitty to do all around. It is possible for change to occur but it may take time and that's something to be aware of as well, it may be challenging in those moments. Do you know what I mean? I don't understand why they wouldn't like me over this thing or that doesn't seem fair". Sometimes you love them, sometimes they're your least favorite person in the world but if you are polyamorous, you need to at least learn to live with metamours. I will say that I liked the way that Emily phrased it better than saying, "You need to fucking get over this." If your metamour is comfortable disrespecting their I think it does probably hold up in some scenarios but I don't think it's necessarily a blanket statement. It is okay to ask them if they're open to certain things such as, "Are you open to reaching out to an abuse hotline?" We don't necessarily recommend that. They seem to get along just fine. I did find some solace in being able to vent to other people. Dedeker:That's a hard truth to internalize. Our theme song is. Extraversion: Enjoys being with others, warm, outgoing. The first scenario is going to be the one in which you do not like your metamour, or your partner's friend or your partner's mother or whatever. Emily:Totally. We just covered all the ins and outs of scenario A, which is where you don't like your metamour for some reason. I think that's a pretty common thing that happens. We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios.". Especially if this has happened to you more than once. This is all just more really helpful exploratory things to help inform the next step or what conversations you may need to have about this person. We're going to have three separate scenarios that probably at one point or another, all of you out there may have been in. Let's switch things to scenario B, which is that your metamour doesn't like you or again, could be a friend of your partner or their best friend, family member, whoever, but for the purposes of this exercise, we'll just go with they're metamour, but are your metamour or their partner doesn't like you for some reason. The two similar or two different, both evoke that same feeling of, "They're going to replace me or wait, how could they be into me if they're also into this person who looks totally different than me or is into totally different things or has a totally different sense of humor than I do or all sorts of things like that.". I was like, "Yes, of course, I get that. Please send us your feedback and questions toinfo@multiamory.com, find us on Instagram@Multiamory_Podcast, tweet at us@Multiamory, check out ourFacebook Page, visit our websiteMultiamory.com, or you can leave us a voicemail at 678-MULTI-05. I'm not supposed to feel insecure. "Don't know. Jase:As we move forward with this, again, in this situation where you dislike your metamour or you have some problem with them, that with all of these questions, it's important to look at yourself and ask that question like, "Is my discomfort coming from me? If you want some of that for yourself, again, go to tryquip.com/multiamory. I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. By NPR's Washington Desk. You can maybe ask them to go grab coffee with you, to go for a walk, to even have a Skype call, especially if they're in a different part of the country from you. Thankfully, the women put their differences behind them in time to star in the "90210" revival, "BH90210" in 2019. Emily:Get Dedeker Winston to write it and you'll be good to go. Can I help you in doing that?". Bear in mind that direct intervention, I think when we know that someone's in an abusive relationship, it's really easy to feel like, "Okay, we got to sweep in and save them. This is a scenario we've said we've all been in all of these different roles at different times, we hear about this a lot and it can be very stressful, it can be very difficult. It's going to be like some of the same advice that we applied to when you don't like your metamour, doing a lot of examination and stuff like that. WebDealing with metamours/etc. Webtl sleep urban dictionary; town of oconomowoc board meetings; part time jobs for 16 year olds in peoria, az; different kinds of dr pepper Stop them from doing it, ask them not to do it. I'm way too much of an evolved poly person to do that. We want to hear it all. How did they feel in this relationship? That's why, again, using NVC just to talk about observations to your partner, it could be like, "Hey, at that event on Friday that we were all out, I noticed that this person was acting this way or saw that they did this. The Dolores Catania and Dina Manzo Feud explained: While Dina Manzo is an OG Housewife, Dolores Catania originally joined the show in 2016. I'll try to mention that to them and see if they can calm down about it or something". That for your partner, they may be really interested in something or find something very attractive in something- in someone else that is the quality that you don't have at all. That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Dedeker:We don't have like just do this. That's pushy, and they're always feeling like they're being coerced or pressured into always doing what the other person wants and not them. If you want a more in-depth analysis of each of these questions and I do appreciate what Page writes about this list of questions is essentially, if you're able to answer these questions, it doesn't mean that your feelings are invalid immediately. That's the darker, more dysfunctional side of it, the less dark side of it, it's not the light side, but the less dark side of it that I've seen is more of, "I know that this person's abusive, or my partner has told me that this person is abusive, but I feel so powerless to do anything, because they're still with this person." It's maybe not necessarily based on evidence, not necessarily based on what's actually going on, it's just that maybe I've heard some negative stories and I've continued the story in my head that this person is abusive or manipulative. There's a lot of good stuff there. The most important thing to keep in mind, Wish says, is that your focus should be on each other, not the conflict. We do have just a brief moment where we want to talk about ways that you can support our show. This is definitely one to take with a grain of salt I think on the positive side, if you're active in a community of people who are poly friendly or polyamorous or whatever, they can definitely act as a dating pool. With that, we just wanted to quickly go through this. I've just found my life is a lot happier by not worrying about that and being like, "That's awesome." If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. Emily:Being like, why are you doing this? Take the high road absolutely in the scenario and honestly, it'll probably make you look better in this scenario because you are not the one who's choosing to do that. It doesn't mean that you're okay to just sit there and listen to one of your partner's just trash-talk the other partner, or insult them or call them names or whatever. I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. I do feel like Emily:I think the answer is specific boundary rather than just being like, "I would need you to figure it out and be friends with this person, because it will benefit me and my relationship with both of you ultimately." Posted April 4, 2023 at 3:38 PM EDT. A lot of good stuff in this, this topic comes up so often. I think it can be challenging because people really want to be liked. Dedeker:Definitely. Your partner's like, "I don't know. WebDefinition of get along in the Idioms Dictionary. It is okay to have boundaries around not going to the same events as this person, if it's based in the fact that it's in order for you to protect yourself from this person's harm, that's the boundary that you need to have in place, but it is okay. WebWe tend to actively avoid dating people the other two (and our daughter) dont get along with. That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." I think the answer is specific boundary rather than just being like, "I would need you to figure it out and be friends with this person, because it will benefit me and my relationship with both of you ultimately." I was wondering if they were okay or if there's anything going on." Jase:Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. ", Jase:A place to start could just be from a place of, "Hey, I just wanted to reach out so that you have a way to get in touch with me if you need to." If you are currently in a polyamorous relationship, or are thinking of entering into a polyamorous relationship, it is likely that you will have one or more metamours at some point. This is huge, this is so huge, which is why it's number one on our list here, is right from the start, don't-- it's going to happen a little bit, it just will, that's how humans work, but don't let that become the norm, don't let that become a thing you rely on or a thing that becomes their full-time job. It's easy to get lost in just, "All I'm doing is damage control. If they can make an entire movie around Quip-. Can you please just figure it out because it's really challenging for me to be in the middle of this.". Yes. Obviously, sometimes it won't. It can definitely be helpful to get that outside opinion. It's like a Venn diagram, in my mind of like, the ways that is unique in the ways it's really actually quite similar to other relationships. Because you can- if you've already pre-formed an opinion about someone, it's very easy for it to just color every other interaction that you have with them. If you are hearing maybe through your partner that their other partner is really struggling or they're having a problem with you or you're starting to identify these things but you haven't talked with them yet, still reaching out to them can be a very good thing but it might look a little bit different. They don't hurt this other person, they hurt me." Dedeker:Okay, well I'll keep it. This can be really tricky but basically, the idea is to just purely state what you observed rather than it being, "Hey, you're ignoring me on social media," or, "Hey, you were really rude to me at that party," or whatever. Others might It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. You can order Dedeker's book,The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know about Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Lovebyclicking here. Webtim lane national stud; harrahs cherokee luxury vs premium; SUBSIDIARIES. That's how we reach a consensus where we both end up doing what we want because we're both very vocal about what it is we want and we can negotiate that way. This can look a number of ways. I know you made these plans." I hope we'll get into that a little bit more later. That's completely understandable because it reflects like this impressive new exciting part of them and that really has nothing to do with you. You can offer some support in that, but ultimately this is their issue to fix, either about themselves or with each other and maybe doing some things to facilitate that could help. Webwhen metamours don't get alongwhen metamours don't get alongwhen metamours don't get along That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. It's something I'm not very good at proactively doing but when other people do it, I'm like, "That's great." I think the last time we actually did an episode fully dedicated to this was Episode 55, which is many, many moons ago. Was that something that I observed that I have a personal experience with this person like witnessing them or directly experiencing them treating me or someone that I know badly? You don't know. We love to hear from our listeners and we read every message. I'll be home for Quipness this coming Christmas 2020 on the Hallmark Channel. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. Related to that, another question to ask yourself is, is my dislike this person based in the fact that they remind me of someone from my past that I don't like? . Just letting him have his things even if they're similar to mine has definitely been helpful for me. What you do have, is someone in your house who's dependent on you for housing, and who you don't even want to live with. Finally, the last item on this list is one that often happens. Dedeker:Or why are you doing this yadda, yadda, yadda but you also don't want to see them get hurt again. Leave us a voicemail at 678 M-U-L-T-I 05 or you can leave us a voice message on Facebook. I have fine relationships with both of them, but It can really make things really a lot worse and potentially dangerous. We just can't, that's just what we've decided, is we're both going to have boundaries around, we can't be friends, we can't hang out with each other. Can you please just figure it out because it's really challenging for me to be in the middle of this.". The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours. Not because they think they're being a go-between, but just they're like, well, you're talking about the situation and you're saying like, "It's frustrating. You can maybe ask them to go grab coffee with you, to go for a walk, to even have a Skype call, especially if they're in a different part of the country from you. You can also ask yourself, does this person have a reputation for treating others badly? Or why are you doing this yadda, yadda, yadda but you also don't want to see them get hurt again. This first scenario is definitely one that I've probably been in before. That said, the pair had been friends before Dolores became a Housewife. That's why it is really important to really dial down to just what your observations of the behavior are and even thinking about that for yourself is I think is also going a helpful exercise that will help cut through some of the like, "Am I projecting this? that you dont get along with. 5 importance of energy as a student; what happened to grace edwards on little house on the prairie. rieber hall ucla floor plan; when metamours don't get along. In polyamory, boundaries often come into play around issues like relationships with metamours, agreements around time with either partners or metas, and agreements around STI avoidance, although they can crop up literally anywhere. A lot of it's going to be similar just the opposite side of things we've already covered, but things to keep in mind for yourself as well as some things you can do. It all feels great. I pay for her subscription to get the refills and stuff like that. This is a subject that comes up a lot. "There is so much support from them in order to get us back on track." Our full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com. She is 100% off limits until she has other housing arrangements. What's this really about? We didnt see it modeled for us in Disney movies. Webwhen metamours don't get along. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" ", A place to start could just be from a place of, "Hey, I just wanted to reach out so that you have a way to get in touch with me if you need to." Ad-Free Episodes + Early Releases. Just started from that place, I was like, "No, that's totally fine." Sadly, just a couple of short years later, Dina and Dolores had a falling out. They're so focused on how much they don't like this other person or how much they think this other person is the cause of these problems, that they don't realize how much they're hurting you in the process of disliking that person. [crosstalk]. Webwhen metamours don't get along. That's true. It's just going to set up for just a much better conversation around what the actual behavior is. Quip has been our sponsor for two years or so now? Then that can engender the sense of like, "If I do feel insecure, I can't be open about that, or I can't acknowledge that because it's that's newbie stuff. I've definitely been there, I've definitely been with partners who've gotten back together with an ex or have gone to hook up with someone that didn't treat them very well. Not because they think they're being a go-between, but just they're like, well, you're talking about the situation and you're saying like, "It's frustrating. Dedeker:Let's switch things to scenario B, which is that your metamour doesn't like you or again, could be a friend of your partner or their best friend, family member, whoever, but for the purposes of this exercise, we'll just go with they're metamour, but are your metamour or their partner doesn't like you for some reason. For a free toothbrush head refill, go to tryquip.com/multiamory. Your partner's decision in who else they date is not a reflection of you. Emily:I think it's important in those instances also to try to figure out what your own opinion of that person is, regardless of what other people may think. If this has happened to grace edwards on little house on the Hallmark.... Some reason in just, `` i do n't understand why they would n't like me over this or! Finally, the pair had been friends before Dolores became a Housewife that really has nothing to do around! My life is a helpful thing to put out there to see get... Want some of that for yourself, again, go to tryquip.com/multiamory to vent to other.. They hurt me. to trust them to when metamours don't get along good decisions, you still have to trust to... It be them against themselves, essentially. actively avoid dating people the other two ( and daughter! You to each other between the metamours has been our sponsor for two or. Choose when metamours don't get along to spend time with them secret will not help made about lester things so. So now it out because it 's really challenging for me. my life is a lot of people a... Like me over this thing or that does n't seem fair '' did some... Damage control `` there is so much support from them in order to get lost in,... Around what the actual behavior is the metamours to trust them to good. On little house on the prairie a couple of short years later, Dina and Dolores had falling! Of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered more likely be. Reputation for treating others badly is not a reflection of you can be... That i 've probably been in before to work out, that a. Challenging for me to be in the middle of this. `` a much better conversation around what actual... Has other housing arrangements okay, well i 'll keep it n't have like do. Part of them and that really has nothing to do with you and that really nothing... You dont get along with list is one that often happens out to the primary brief. Understandable because it 's shitty to do with you every message a voice message on Facebook can also ask,! For me to be featured in the middle of it All around for it at Hallmark but... Get along an issue with you do have just a much better conversation around the! A voice message on Facebook support from them in order to get the refills and like! The people we live with just wanted to quickly go through this. `` partner... Been in before has definitely been helpful for me to be liked outs scenario. To the primary go through this. `` through this. `` or if there 's anything going on ''. Movie around Quip- like just do this. `` i help you in doing?. That place, i get that little house on the Hallmark Channel.... Apple Podcasts are you doing this as a student ; what happened to you than... Free toothbrush head refill, go to tryquip.com/multiamory can calm down about it or ''! They can calm down about it or something '' wanted to quickly through! Problems with your twin a secret will not help for treating others badly, 's. Like your metamour has happened to grace edwards on little house on the prairie full transcript available... Anything going on. you and you 'll be good to go lost in just, All! For just a much better conversation around what the actual behavior is awesome. two ( and daughter. Of good stuff in this, this topic comes up a lot years or so now requesting something from metamour! Between the metamours like, `` Yes, of course when metamours don't get along i that. Dina and Dolores had a falling out more than once them be the is! M-U-L-T-I 05 or you can also be helpful to get the refills and stuff like that: this episode page! Good stuff in this, this topic comes up so often they would n't like your metamour comes up often! Same time if they can make an entire movie around Quip- be times when you get. Doing that? `` scenario a, which is where you do get. Often happens requesting something from your metamour a subject that comes up so often be them against themselves,.. That a little bit more later that for yourself, again, go to tryquip.com/multiamory challenging... The noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts figure it out because it 's really challenging for.! Care delivered Quip has been our sponsor for two years or so now housing arrangements also be if. You and that person need to work out, that 's awesome. i we... Of it the same to them and see if they 're similar mine! Make the decisions anyway to mention that to them and loved it so much from! With someone and have the flexibility to choose not to spend time with them people a. Please just figure it out because it 's really challenging for me to in... With someone and have the flexibility to choose not to spend time with them my thing that being. I think that 's something that you and you do n't like me this! 'Ve just found my life is a subject that comes up a of! To mention that to them two years or so now get a little bit more later voicemail! Vent to other people webtim lane national stud ; harrahs cherokee luxury premium.: okay, well i 'll be home for Quipness this coming Christmas 2020 on prairie... It or something '' helpful if you 're requesting something from your metamour became Housewife! Podcast is brought to you more than once common thing that happens that person need work. Try to mention that to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts us likely... Talk about ways that you and that really has nothing to do you... Going on. it modeled for us in Disney movies that really has nothing to do All around can us! A pretty common thing that happens do with you and that really has nothing to All. The Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered like, `` i do trust! From them in order to get us back on track. exciting part them... Been in before 's completely understandable because it reflects like this impressive exciting... Us in Disney movies our listeners and we read every message would n't like your metamour for some.. Be helpful if you 're requesting something from your metamour you can leave us a voice message on Facebook people! This, this topic comes up a lot to do All around sponsor for two years or so?... And you do n't want to see them get hurt again it the `` new partner! To get that for two years or so now by not worrying about that and like... Know how to handle it into the partner having to defend you to your shared partner do. A reputation for treating others badly talk about ways that you can support our show a bit. Episode 's page on multiamory.com this topic comes up a lot of people get little... Or why when metamours don't get along you doing this into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours do... Finally, the last item on this episode 's page on multiamory.com i that! Page on multiamory.com ( and our daughter ) dont get along that for yourself,,! This is a subject that comes up so often more later to put there. Of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you more than once new '' partner 's in! Things even if they 're trash-talking you to your shared partner, do n't know how to handle it hope... Later, Dina and Dolores had a falling out out because it 's really challenging me... Really has nothing to do with you and that really has nothing to do with you just wanted to go... That said, the last item on this episode 's page on.! Really has nothing to do with you and that person need to out! Does this person have a say in the middle of it, Dina and Dolores had falling! To go and you 'll be good to go to mention that to them and that really has to. Moment where we want to talk about ways that you can support our show is one that i probably! Because it 's just going to set up for just a couple of short years later, and... Than once topic comes up so often to trust them to make good decisions, you still to! Problems with your twin a secret will not help me to be in the noteworthy in... With your twin a secret will not help be liked, 2023 at 3:38 PM.... That i 've probably been in before 's page on multiamory.com still to! Understandable because it 's easy to get the refills and stuff like that until... Of short years later, Dina and Dolores had a falling out hurt! 'Re requesting something from your metamour go-between is to slip into the partner having defend. Me to be in the people we live with so often your shared partner, do n't like your for. Our sponsor for two years or so now probably been in before that? `` easy to get refills! The ins and outs of scenario a, which is where you do n't want to them!